Like I always say, it takes one thought, a few minutes of conversation to set in motion a series of events. In my own case it was just a chat over lunch that led to these series of posts on Masturbation and Pornography. If you are just visiting for the first time you can read up the first two post here and here. I was privileged to get a few people to write in; I’m extremely excited and grateful at the same time. We’ll be viewing porn from a married man and a single lady’s point of view.
NANSAK (He’s one man I respect so much especially his love for his wife and children)
From a christian standpoint, pornography has no pro’s, be you single or married. Pornography is enjoying sexual arousal outside the confines of which it was intended by God, which is marriage; I struggled with porn and masturbation as a single. On getting married, I found that the desire to view porn still existed. I have compromised on a couple of occasions, and it felt like I was cheating on my wife. That was the same effect it had on her; the pain of being cheated on, plus the fact that she wondered if she wasn’t good enough for me.
On the argument that watching together as a couple is supposed to help your sex life, it will do the exact opposite. God will never need evil to accomplish His purposes. He is too holy to stoop to concepts like telling a lie for the greater good. His word is clear – thou shall not lie, the truth shall set you free. Part of the beauty of sex that I have enjoyed as a married man is in the adventure and discovery, and all of this has got to do with trusting God, and asking the Holy Spirit to teach us. It’s been over five years and we’re still discovering new things. Watching porn together will pervert your minds and give you false expectations that will lead to disappointment and frustration, and will turn the sanctity of one of the purest forms of worship into plain grotesque satisfaction of animalistic instincts.
Why would a man that has a willing wife with a body that could pass for a super model sneak out of his bedroom while she slept to go and watch 30mins of midnight hot on Ftv? I think it’s because sin is thrilling. Sin however comes with a price tag that you will not be able to pay, and the devil flaunts the goods without letting you see the price tag. “Don’t worry about it, you can pay later” he says. But when he comes to collect, he collects big.
U.A. (She’s one lady who’s sold out to God, not your conventional lady)
Last Christmas, I celebrated one year clean. The thing about addiction is that it creeps up on you stealthily and one day you wake up and realised you are hooked.
The most interesting analogy about the way the devil baits came from a preaching by Mrs Christy Bature-Ogbeifun. She said the devil fished like a white man. You know to the white man, fishing is a sport, not the kind we do for subsistence. When a white man is fishing, he can be at it for hours. When he feels that a fish has caught the bait, he begins to reel it in. If he senses a struggle and the fish is writhing, he releases the reel and lets the fish feel like it is free, but the thing is the bait is still in its mouth. This cycle goes on till the fish is too weak to fight.
It was Ikebe Super and the porn of the late eighties, I and my older cousin would sneak some magazines from the neighbour upstairs. I was a child but the seeds had been sown. Over the years, I became a Christian but Porn never lost its allure for me. By 2010, I had suffered an intense heartbreak, for the first time I went out to purchase the DVD’s and spent hours watching them. I understood the link between bitterness and defilement (the root of bitterness springing up to defile many…) but that didn’t stop the habit. Then that phase passed.
Fast forward two years later, another period of pain and betrayal followed (not a heartbreak this time), but everything was revived and I gorged myself on X-rated movies and stories. Then I realised that tongue-talking, leg-shaking, child of God, Preacher’s kid, teaching young people me, was addicted to Porn. It didn’t span too long, maybe 3 months but the effect was enormous.
Some people I spoke to laughed it off as a man’s addiction, but I knew it wasn’t. When I got home each evening and reduced the volume to the barest minimum, I was sure I was addicted to Porn and its attendant sins (you know them yourself). It was like a drug, I needed a dirtier dose each time. Sometimes I would cry out to God and repent, we would make progress and then 2 days later, I was back. The attendant sins began to worry me more than the Porn itself.
All through that period I would say to God: “This is bringing shame to your name. The day you finally deem it fit to set me free, please, set me free such that you take away not just the addiction, but the TASTE for it”. One day, 6 days to the end of that year, the Pastor called out for prayers and I went to the altar. No one laid hands on me. The Deacon praying with me simply said: ‘she is a Princess’ and that was it, the dirty slimy demon of porn left, complete with the taste for it.
After that time, my connection with heaven was swift and I understood why the Enemy strives to make murk up our relationship with God, especially with sexual sin, cos I don’t care what you say, we can’t connect with God when our spirits are defiled. Be it the actual sexual sin, pornography, masturbation or the periphery of sex, we know we were made for more. We know it. God knows it. The devil knows it.
When I asked U.A. if she had to do any extra thing after the prayers in church, she gave the most hilarious response ‘I just kept myself pure… avoided touching body’. This may sound funny but it points back to triggers. She knew getting intimate with anyone will feed the desire to indulge in viewing porn.
Steven Handel in his article ‘Urge Surfing: How to overcome addictive behaviours’ has this to say, In mindfulness-based psychotherapy there’s a technique called “urge surfing” that’s used to help individuals overcome addictive and impulsive behaviours. The main assumption behind the technique is that an urge never lasts forever – usually, no more than 20-30 minutes. Individuals can therefore “ride out” these urges simply by becoming more aware of their transient nature. You can read up the full article here.
It’s amazing to read up people’s experiences and find out your case isn’t peculiar to you alone, someone somewhere has passed through it ‘For no temptation has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man…’ 1 Cor 10:13. There’s help for you, the question is have you admitted you need help? I pray someone out there is receiving healing as well as the courage in making that decision to quit such addictions.
N/B : I’ve had a few offline chats on this topic, especially on the implication of masturbation within the confines of marriage. I’m not a marriage counsellor but in my opinion if your partner is cool with it, then go ahead and rock the boat. Masturbation in all the posts written was directed at the singles.
LOADS OF LOVE