Friendship between the married and singles

When does cheating really start? Before you answer the question, I’ll paint two scenarios and they are both true stories.
In 2008, I was an Intern in one of the Oil Servicing Companies located at the same area with similar companies. We always looked forward to our lunch break cos’ we’ll all step out in our coverall and safety boots; the days we didn’t feel like eating in the staff canteen we either strolled to get bole(roast unripe plantain) and fish or get some other food from a restaurant. I had this particular friend who we knew back in the University and we always had some catching up over lunch particularly on his married female colleague. They always exchanged lots of SMS on a daily basis (sweet nothings) her husband knew my friend and even when he went visiting at home they still exchanged SMS. As at then they hadn’t slept together.
I’m working on a project with a group of people including a married man. He picks interest in me; cos’ he says I’m smart, I’ve nothing to fear besides he’s a Holy Spirit filled man, we have intelligent conversations but I start noticing his handshakes were going beyond the elbow (was I just been paranoid). He calls me for a meeting in his office and the meeting turns out to be nothing serious, just asking personal questions (red flags are flying), like Gbenga put it inappropriate. I quickly divert the questions and leave the office.
You know, I have often wondered how two people who couldn’t stay a day without each other in the past suddenly become strangers or a faithful partner is caught cheating on his wife or husband. We often think the cheating is when they end up in bed but I beg to differ. The cheating didn’t start on the bed rather a long time ago, a hug may have triggered it, an SMS or even your smartness without knowing you find yourself drawn to the person. You start to confide in the person, you’ve issues with your partner and you pour it out to the person he/she starts to advise you on what to do and in your subconscious the person becomes “perfect” cos’ of the brilliant advise been given to you. Am I saying you shouldn’t confide in anyone? We can’t do without speaking to someone its human nature but we need to know when to draw the line, if you ask me I think it’s better to confide to a same sex (for people like me who have more male friends I’m learning to speak more to females for my own good).


It’s a rule in a church I know, for all the male pastors to travel out of town on assignments with their wives. Do they adhere to it all the time? I don’t know, but the authorities in charge know one thing; the third leg in between the legs isn’t born again, it has a mind of its own. A book I read a while ago advises male pastors to have a counselling session with their wives present; another church propagates male to male or female to female counselling. You may be wondering why the church will go through the pains of putting such laws in place, it’s simply because no one is exempted from sexual sin, not even the pastor or the head of the prayer team.
I’ve heard so many stories why single ladies prefer dating married men, some say they are more mature and we forget marriage made an “immature man” mature but this is the one I heard that got me laughing real hard, a married man told me he’s the one to prepare me for my husband stating the taste is in the pudding *smh*.
It’s a tough world out there; often times we get so mad at our partners and the slightest compliment from someone outside will make us fly on eagle’s wings but let’s not forget they’ve not always been annoying. Siblings still fight once in a while but it doesn’t change the fact they are siblings. Let’s not run into the arms of a total stranger who’s willing to put a smile on our faces for a few minutes or days and give up on our partners who’ve walked with us through the storms of life.




32 thoughts on “Friendship between the married and singles”

  1. Thanks a lot for this. I’ve been on the receiving end of this situation before. Sometimes, before one knows what’s happening, things would have really gotten outta hand. What started out as innocent flirting, hand-holding, late night chatting & harmless exchange of pictures gradually graduates into phone calls & a very emotionally initimate relationship. Even though they technically may not have sex, the stolen kisses & fooling around equates to cheating/infidelity.

  2. If I go to town on this…this ‘comment’ would end up being longer than ythe original post so lemme try and cut to the chase…

    1) Your SPOUSE is your confidant…go outside that and you are breaking a ‘hedge’ and we all know the black mamba is waiting.

    2) Remember what Jesus said? “if you think it in you heart..”? So ending up in bed is the climax…(pun not intended) and not the beginning.

    3) Friendship between friends o the same sex alters when one gets married….why do we think the opposite sex would be different, Especially when there was something going on…check out Okafors Law

    4) Red Flags. Important cos there are times when we get sucked in and cross lines unknowingly…they would help us

    5) key question should be; WHY? That’s the beginning of a longer debate

    Nice one CC

      1. Why? Cos we look at superficial things in making life changing choices, we look for magic instead of looking for good building blocks…cos some people feel they have ‘arrived’ after saying ‘I do’…should I go on?

      2. look out for my CD’s: All About Cheating 1 &2; How to Make Sure Your Spouse Never Cheats On You and my podcast: How to tell your spouse is cheating.

        Seriously though…it is sad…and a topic I have been interested in for quite some time. A LOT of ladies assume its standard procedure now and as long as he is discrete, don’t mind. A lot of men see it as part of their code of conduct now. Men cheat because there are women who would cheat with them…it goes on…Why? Lack of Fathers, globalization, weakening of traditional values, poverty inspired religion…etc
        God help us all.

      3. It is so sad, extremely sad. May God really help us and may we equally be wise enough to receive His help meanwhile looking forward to the cds lol.

    1. Bros, the ‘why’ question has got a lot of dimensions to it. I completely buy the ‘your spouse is your confidant’ line of thought. Some people do not even know they’re already cheating when someone asks you out & you give them some sort of green light instead of firmly letting the person know you’re in a happy & serious relationship. In this case, the devil you know is better than the Angel you do not know. Bottom line is this, when you do something that makes your partner uncomfortable, I count it as cheating. There are no 2ways about it.

      1. lol…how do u end up with a ‘devil u know’?
        Hollywood has distorted the image of what love and marriage is. If your spouse isn’t your best friend..if u cant submit to ur husband and u cant love ur wife…agwo no na sumthin

  3. This brings to mind something I read awhile ago about affairs being either emotional or physical (but affairs nonetheless). We should pay attention to the red flags cos most affairs start off as supposedly innocent relationships and once they happen, broken trust is very difficult to rebuild…

  4. Lol
    I agree with all those things about counseling same sex
    What about when there are gay issues?
    their partners should also be present and then the ministers
    should be prayerful.

    All in all, God will keep us and everything concerning us
    Cos if he doesn’t watch over the city, the watchman watches in vain.

  5. I just sent this to my partner. no better way, than to give her this post to read through. so if she does let anyone get that close, i know she let it happen….& all that excuse that it starts out as harmless flirting and late-night chatting wouldn’t fly no more.

    thanks Aunty Jmad,
    once again you have shown that you are looking out for humanity and our moral values.

    the amount of infidelity in the married sphere is fast on the increase, people take is as the norm to fall deeply in like with folks with a gold band on their finger.

    *its scary*

  6. Finally got to read this post. The title alone got me real curious. No matter how we try to paint it to ourselves, we always know the very moment the cheating starts. Whether it results in sex is another thing all together. So we have to be very careful not to even let it start at all. Nice post, JMAD! Thanks for reminding us of this.

  7. I’ve always wondered how platonic a really close friendship with the opposite sex can ever be… I’ve seen it get complicated NUMEROUS times irrespective of the marital status of the ‘friends’. I think we all know the when & how it starts, its just how to let go before it starts, that’s the issue here.. Application of discipline and self control pretty much sums up the lesson.. plus cultivating respect for your marriage & yourself.

    I love all your posts Chijioke

    1. I like ‘knowing how to let go before it starts’. It’s really the issue. You def summed it up with discipline n Self-control. Thanks for stopping by.

  8. Excellent post! I also believe that cheating doesn;t begin only when you have slept with the person but when you start sharing intimate things with the other party.. And ‘intimate things’ differs from one person to the next..
    Lol@The third leg is not born again *Truth!

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